Friday, 25 March 2011

Sign my Petition, Join my Cult

Free thinking seems to have got itself a bad name, these days. Everywhere I go I’m assaulted by people trying to convince me to think like them. If I walk down the street I’m bombarded with bill boards trying to get me to buy something, or at the very least buy into something.

I go on Facebook and it’s the same. Join my cause. Click here to stop this or start that. Let’s see if we can get two million people to believe what we believe. If enough people click here we can change the world.

And I ask myself: why?

I’m a contrary sort of a bastard, really. If there’s any way that I can disagree with you, I probably will. If there is some “received wisdom” floating around, you can pretty much guarantee I’m going to reject it.

This is not because I want to play devil’s advocate; it’s just that I don’t believe you. It’s not personal: I just recognise that the most fundamental and unshakeable beliefs by which I define myself are not my own (even deep rooted sub-conscious beliefs are nothing but pre-programmed patterns of thought), and that my mind has been unwittingly corrupted by the unwittingly corrupted minds of all who had a hand in my formation: parents, teachers, society itself. I’m not going to buy into anybody else’s beliefs if I can help it: the last thing I need is to accumulate any more.

So I won’t be signing your petition, attending your march, joining your cult or supporting your cause. I have my own cause, and it is the negation of everything. This might sound nihilistic, but it isn’t.

You see I am the sky: not the clouds that drift across it.

I am the silence: not the noise which is heard within it.

I am the space in which everything is allowed to happen.

I just watch. 

Wednesday, 23 March 2011


The point is: there is no point.

I am writing this because I am; you are reading this because you are.

You are as you are because the universe is as it is, and it is as it is because you are as you are.

Everything is the cause and effect of everything.

The universe exists because you are here to see it, and you are here to see it because it is here to be seen.

It occurs in the mind; a figment of your imagination.

You are a figment of your imagination.

There is nothing to understand.

Everything is as it is.

The answer to your question is: because.

Sunday, 20 March 2011

A Desire to Stop Drinking

Life is good these days.

For sure, I woke up this morning just about out of tobacco and milk; I smashed up the front of my car yesterday and I only bought the thing the day before and haven’t even started to pay for it yet; I’m meant to be going on a one week silent retreat at the beginning of May and I haven’t got the money to pay for that either, and last week I shaved off all my hair without thinking and now resemble a novelty vegetable.

What else?

Well, if I’m looking for stuff to moan about, and I concentrate long and hard enough, I’m sure I can find plenty. But I won’t


I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body known as alcoholism. No longer am I compelled to do things which absolutely disgust me when I vaguely recollect them later; no longer am I driven by the ravenous insanity of that beast within; no longer is my life full of guilt, fear, shame and remorse: I am a free man.

I, who couldn’t go ten minutes without a drink; who had to have a drink in his hand 24/7; who lived only to drink; who couldn’t picture life without alcohol; who abased himself upon the alter of alcoholism; who was imprisoned by the bars of his own making: have - by the Grace of God and the solution which I found in the Twelve Step program of recovery - not found it necessary to pick up a drink for 914 days, one day at a time, and for that I am truly grateful.

I had a phone call yesterday from the father of an alcoholic I know, an alcoholic that I helped to detox just three weeks ago.

It was the same old story. As soon as the detox was over he went out and got drunk. His father wasn’t surprised, and nor was I. His father wasn’t, because the same thing’s happened time and again for over twenty years. I wasn’t, because it wasn’t too long ago that I was doing the very same thing myself.

When I was in the darkest and most dismal days of my drinking, all I wanted to do was get sober. I would beg the doctor for a detox. I would convince myself that things would be different this time. But things were never different. How could they be? I had a very real desire to escape the intolerable situation in which I found myself; I had a desire to be rid, once and for all, of the horrific consequences of my alcoholism; but did I honestly – honestly – have a desire to stop drinking?

The answer is no. And why would I? I suffered from untreated alcoholism (although I didn’t know it at the time), and the only medicine for it that I knew about was alcohol. How could I possibly have a desire to stop drinking?

Of course, as I know now, there is a solution. And the solution is a complete psychic change: a drastic change in attitude towards life, the universe and everything in it. This has been called (by various people in various places) a spiritual awakening, a spiritual (or religious) experience, God consciousness, a personality change, and so on. But whatever you want to call it, we are talking about one thing and one thing only: change.

And here lies the stumbling block, and the reason why so many people can’t seem to “get” this program and its utter simplicity.

We alcoholics absolutely don’t see the need to change. We’re ok. It’s the rest of you. We think you should change. We feel that we are right, and that it is you, God and the world we live in that is wrong.

We are not going to allow the necessary change to occur within us until we have no other option left. Not until every avenue has been exhausted, until every hope has been extinguished, are we going to throw up our hands and admit that we don’t know. And that won't happen until the desire to stay sober becomes more important to us than anything else.

Than anything else.

not the solution

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Obsessed with Traffic

Last September, when I quit my job in a frenzy of pique and Prozac, I received a refund from the local city council to the tune of £1500.

To someone like me – the kind of person that costs Daily Mail readers billions of pounds in taxes that would be far better spent on driving out the blacks and tooling up for the next war - £1500 is a lot of money. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever had that much money before in my life.

On the other hand, to someone like me – who has no particular regard for money or possessions; who doesn’t think about rainy days but makes hay while the sun shines; who doesn’t consider such brain-draining concepts as pensions, mortgages, investment or the future - £1500 is extremely easy to fritter away quickly, with nothing left to show for it except a few pairs of ludicrous trousers.

Well, I was determined not to do that this time. When I sobered up a couple of years ago, one of the first things I did was get a passport.

Now this seems like small stuff to most people, but it was huge for me. I was thirty-eight years old, and I’d never been on a plane. In fact, I’d never even been abroad (unless you count a week of drunk and destitute depravity in Dublin, which of course up to this point, I had).

The minute I got my passport, a couple of friends and I booked a flight to Morocco. They’d originally wanted to go on a sunbathing holiday to Spain, but I didn’t want to go to Spain for the love of God, and I certainly didn’t want to fucking sunbathe. I’ve never been one for lying around on the beach. In the middle of the street, yes; in wet ditches, all the time; but on beaches? Never. No, what I wanted was to go somewhere completely different from anywhere I’d been before. I wanted to go somewhere where they wore robes, rode camels, had revolutions and cut off your gonads if you seemed to be coveting their wives and donkeys.

I wasn’t disappointed in that respect, and I’ve been walking strangely ever since.

But I digress.  This isn’t about donkeys, it's about an obsession beyond my mental control.

I hated Morocco. It was pissing down with rain the whole time, you had to shit in a bucket - a full bucket - and wipe your arse with newspaper and you couldn’t walk three metres without being mobbed by lepers who’d harangue you for cash, and failing that, the clothes you stood up in.

But the road trip made up for it all.

After a day and a half in Marrakesh we’d really had enough, so hired a Kia for the week off of a man in an oily moustache and a shiny suit. The suit was so shiny you could see your face in it. The Kia wasn’t shiny. It looked like anti-matter.

We tore up and down the country for a week, stopping at roadside cafes that teetered on cliffs thousands of feet above sea level; we’d stop one place one night, another place the next: we were always on the lookout for running water and toilet paper; we kept on the move. I like moving. Sightseeing’s all well and good, but after ten minutes looking at the view – be it a breath-taking sunrise, a mountain range or a meteor shower – you've pretty much done it to death in my opinion, and it’s time to crack on.

By far the best moment for me was driving across the most treacherous mountain pass in the country, in the snow, as night was looming. 175 kilometres of hair pin bends, vertical drops, insane taxi drivers and soiled undergarments. I don’t think Tall Paul enjoyed it so much, but then, he had to concentrate on the road.

I learned something that day: that I am a lover of speed and danger (and the kind of extreme sports that don’t require any physical exertion on my part: jumping out of planes, falling off tall buildings, that sort of thing).

So when I was presented with the cash prize of a lifetime from the housing benefit office there was nothing left for me to do but book a crash course in driving and take everyone’s life into my hands.

Being a Devil-may-care sort of a chap, I passed my test in six weeks, but having been seduced yet again by the promises of loud trousers I found myself penniless once more.

I hadn’t even set out to buy any trousers. Someone had passed a pair of dogtooth check sta-prest my way and I had taken them. Was I crazy? I began to wonder, for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that. In no time at all I was beating on the side of the wardrobe asking myself how it could have happened.

I became obsessed with traffic. I started hanging around in car parks and on race tracks. I resented being the passenger in anybody else’s car. I resented people on the bus, especially the driver, the fat bastard. Why couldn’t I have a bus? There were enough buses in the world to go round, surely. The idea of stealing a car fIashed through my mind with increasing frequency. I started fantasising about the TV cars of my childhood: Dave Starsky’s Ford Gran Torino; the General Lee; the Batmobile.

Even Nissan Micras were beginning to appear attractive.

That’s sick, you might think, and you’d be right. I was clearly not well. I didn’t eat for hours at a stretch, and I’d stopped taking my medication. I’d stopped shaving, doing the washing up and being polite to Mormons. I was a menace to society.

Finally, my friends had just about had enough of it, and one of them called me out of the blue and said: “I can’t stand by and watch you do this to yourself any longer. The way you’re going you’ll end up like one of those Americans that sneaks into the garage in the middle of the night to masturbate over his Chevy. I will lend you the money to buy a car. I will even take you to pick it up. I will help you, but I expect you to help yourself. Will you please stop calling yourself Stirling, and for the love of God, take down that poster of Jeremy Clarkson in the bathroom. It’s too much.”

So yesterday afternoon I went and got my car; a matt black 1969 Dodge Charger, with gun turrets. Goodbye Stirling Moss, so long Jeremy Clarkson.

The funny thing is, I’ve forgotten how to drive. So if you see me coming, get out the way.

Monday, 14 March 2011

The Twelve Steps

The twelve steps of recovery are not religious dogma: they are living principles.

You’d be forgiven for thinking so though, considering the amount of superstition and fear there is around them.

Let’s get this straight. God is not going to strike me dead by making me drink if I don’t say a prayer in the morning. God isn’t some maniac who punishes us for our “transgressions”.

As individuals we are judgemental, we are unforgiving, we are punishing; we punish ourselves and others.

But the nature of God is spacious, patient, and endless. Look at the world and see everything that goes on. God not just allows it to happen, but is in the very happening of it: in fact it is all God anyway. It is God happening. God being. There is nothing else. I’m God, you’re God, the words you’re reading are God, the screen on which they appear is God and the space in which it’s all happening is God.

Or to put it another way: You are everything you’re experiencing, which is God.

The meaning of “turning our will and our lives over to the care of God” is surrender, acceptance. What is “God’s Will” if it isn’t what is happening in this very place and at this very moment? There is nothing else. Turning our will over means not being in resistance to what is.

It’s not about reciting words on your knees in the morning; it’s about being open. It’s about being your true nature (the nature of God) which is spacious, patient and endless.

How do we find our true nature? It’s there, it’s always been there, but it’s been buried under a mountain of resentment, fear, guilt, shame, and other misguided beliefs. We need to start the process of stripping away; of uncovering.

That’s where the twelve steps come in. If we are as willing, as honest and as open-minded as we are able to be, the twelve steps are a very practical way to start stripping away the insanities that have accumulated over our lifetime.

It’s about getting rid of stuff. It’s about letting the scales fall from our eyes.

It’s about realising that everything is happening as it’s meant to happen because that’s the way it’s happening, so it couldn’t happen any other way.

Ultimately the twelve steps are not about recovery from anything but our own delusion. We make the decision in step three, but we continue to “turn our will and our lives over to the care of God” for ever and ever,


"We found the Great Reality deep down within us." - Bill W.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

The Telecaster

I've always had a love/hate relationship with the electric guitar; I love what it does for me (and in my life, it’s done a lot for me. It’s given me an endless supply of booze, drugs and women, for a start. It’s got me out of a few tight situations and into many others) but I’m not so keen on what I’ve got to do for it: namely play it.

Unlike most guitar players, I’m not anal about it. I don’t buy Guitarist magazine or get excited about pick-ups and hardware, insanely shaped plectrums, leopard skin trousers or virtuosity. In fact I think all that stuff’s a bunch of wank.

If I’m honest with myself, as a young lad I didn’t pick up a guitar because I wanted to play the guitar: no. I picked up the guitar because I wanted to stand on a stage and have the boys stand in awe and the girls throw their knickers at me; I wanted adulation, worship and applause.

The electric guitar is a wonderful extension of the ego. But I was far too lazy to do such mind numbing stuff as practice or learn scales. I just picked up a few riffs off some old Chuck Berry records that I found in my dad’s loft and called it a night. Amazingly enough, I became quite good in spite of myself. Those riffs served me well.

As time went by and my alcoholism plunged ever darker depths it became impossible for me to keep hold of a guitar. They came, to be sure, but they went just as fast. I’d be losing them in blackout, pawning them for drink, or smashing them over people’s heads in fits of impotent fury. Any pleasure I’d ever had in playing was long gone. I was playing for survival, and that was it.

That’s all it ever was for me: a means to an end.

Recently I found myself in the unenviable position of having to earn some money (again). This is because I want to buy a car. Not a flash car, by any means, but hopefully not a Nissan Micra, either. So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Should I throw myself onto the labour market once more and end up on Prozac working in a shop or factory – or God help me at the Last Chance Employment Agency -  for a bunch of soulless capitalist pigs, or become a guitar teacher and anarchist and work for myself?

Not a difficult choice to make.

A friend of mine said he’d lend me a guitar so I could get started. Not just any guitar, as it turned out, but a Telecaster. An original honest to God no frills American Telecaster. As soon as I picked the thing up I felt it creeping over me: that possession, that old Devil.

There was nothing left but to plug in, crank the volume to 11 and explode in a blues fuelled orgy of noise and violence. Nothing grunts like a pig and screams like a whore and reeks of rock and roll like a Fender Telecaster - nothing. I blew out the windows and machine-gunned the neighbourhood; I started revolutions and liberated nations; I created worlds and destroyed universes; I took that thing to space and fucked the face of Death Himself.

Is there anything, I thought, anything that a Telecaster cannot do?

And the answer is no. No there isn’t.

“Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.” – Lao Tzu

Saturday, 12 March 2011

There is no Box

Silence is great.

It used to be that I couldn’t sit in silence; I’d have to drench myself in noise in order to drown out the constant machinations of my thinking, but that is far from the case these days.

I wasn’t able to sit still for very long, either. When my sponsor and spiritual buddy Dan turned up one day and suggested we “sit” for twenty minutes I thought he was having me on.

                “Twenty minutes?” I thought to myself, “That’s a bloody lifetime.”

I said nothing, of course: just mutely acquiesced. And I’ve got to say: after the first five, those twenty minutes were a bloody lifetime. I could feel the pressure and the is-ness of everything getting ready to cave me in.

Nowadays, twenty minutes and I’m just getting started.

So yesterday I was sitting (as I often do) listening to the silence. The great thing about silence (as I was saying before digressing wildly like there is no box) is that it is the stuff in which everything appears. Well, that and space. And from it we can learn a lot about ourselves, about life, and about the universe.

Bird song appears in the silence, and then disappears, leaving the silence just as it is. The sound of a pneumatic hammer breaks loudly and suddenly in, before ceasing again. A whole manner of cacophonic clamour builds up and fades away, builds up and fades away, leaving the silence just as it is.

Just as it is, was, and always will be.

It’s a bit like the sea. The tide comes in and the tide goes out. Waves build in the distance, then break upon the beach and are no more. Storms come and go, calm comes and goes. But the sea is still the sea: completely unaffected by all that occurs within it.

Life is the same. Animals, birds, plants; they appear and disappear. Humans are born and humans die and humans are born and humans die. It is the nature of things. But life remains, as it is, as it was, and as it always will be.

There is no box.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

The Gospel of Thomas

These are the secret sayings which the living Jesus spoke and which Didymos Judas Thomas wrote down.

(1) And he said, "Whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not experience death."

(2) Jesus said, "Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds. When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All."

(3) Jesus said, "If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty."

(4) Jesus said, "The man old in days will not hesitate to ask a small child seven days old about the place of life, and he will live. For many who are first will become last, and they will become one and the same."

(5) Jesus said, "Recognize what is in your sight, and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you . For there is nothing hidden which will not become manifest."

(6) His disciples questioned him and said to him, "Do you want us to fast? How shall we pray? Shall we give alms? What diet shall we observe?"
Jesus said, "Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered."

(7) Jesus said, "Blessed is the lion which becomes man when consumed by man; and cursed is the man whom the lion consumes, and the lion becomes man."

(8) And he said, "The man is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of small fish. Among them the wise fisherman found a fine large fish. He threw all the small fish back into the sea and chose the large fish without difficulty. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear."

(9) Jesus said, "Now the sower went out, took a handful (of seeds), and scattered them. Some fell on the road; the birds came and gathered them up. Others fell on the rock, did not take root in the soil, and did not produce ears. And others fell on thorns; they choked the seed(s) and worms ate them. And others fell on the good soil and it produced good fruit: it bore sixty per measure and a hundred and twenty per measure."

(10) Jesus said, "I have cast fire upon the world, and see, I am guarding it until it blazes."

(11) Jesus said, "This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die. In the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. When you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one you became two. But when you become two, what will you do?"

(12) The disciples said to Jesus, "We know that you will depart from us. Who is to be our leader?"
Jesus said to them, "Wherever you are, you are to go to James the righteous, for whose sake heaven and earth came into being."

(13) Jesus said to his disciples, "Compare me to someone and tell me whom I am like."
Simon Peter said to him, "You are like a righteous angel."
Matthew said to him, "You are like a wise philosopher."
Thomas said to him, "Master, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom you are like."
Jesus said, "I am not your master. Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated from the bubbling spring which I have measured out."
And he took him and withdrew and told him three things. When Thomas returned to his companions, they asked him, "What did Jesus say to you?"
Thomas said to them, "If I tell you one of the things which he told me, you will pick up stones and throw them at me; a fire will come out of the stones and burn you up."

(14) Jesus said to them, "If you fast, you will give rise to sin for yourselves; and if you pray, you will be condemned; and if you give alms, you will do harm to your spirits. When you go into any land and walk about in the districts, if they receive you, eat what they will set before you, and heal the sick among them. For what goes into your mouth will not defile you, but that which issues from your mouth - it is that which will defile you."

(15) Jesus said, "When you see one who was not born of woman, prostrate yourselves on your faces and worship him. That one is your father."

(16) Jesus said, "Men think, perhaps, that it is peace which I have come to cast upon the world. They do not know that it is dissension which I have come to cast upon the earth: fire, sword, and war. For there will be five in a house: three will be against two, and two against three, the father against the son, and the son against the father. And they will stand solitary."

(17) Jesus said, "I shall give you what no eye has seen and what no ear has heard and what no hand has touched and what has never occurred to the human mind."

(18) The disciples said to Jesus, "Tell us how our end will be."
Jesus said, "Have you discovered, then, the beginning, that you look for the end? For where the beginning is, there will the end be. Blessed is he who will take his place in the beginning; he will know the end and will not experience death."

(19) Jesus said, "Blessed is he who came into being before he came into being. If you become my disciples and listen to my words, these stones will minister to you. For there are five trees for you in Paradise which remain undisturbed summer and winter and whose leaves do not fall. Whoever becomes acquainted with them will not experience death."

(20) The disciples said to Jesus, "Tell us what the kingdom of heaven is like."
He said to them, "It is like a mustard seed. It is the smallest of all seeds. But when it falls on tilled soil, it produces a great plant and becomes a shelter for birds of the sky."

(21) Mary said to Jesus, "Whom are your disciples like?"
He said, "They are like children who have settled in a field which is not theirs. When the owners of the field come, they will say, 'Let us have back our field.' They (will) undress in their presence in order to let them have back their field and to give it back to them. Therefore I say, if the owner of a house knows that the thief is coming, he will begin his vigil before he comes and will not let him dig through into his house of his domain to carry away his goods. You, then, be on your guard against the world. Arm yourselves with great strength lest the robbers find a way to come to you, for the difficulty which you expect will (surely) materialize. Let there be among you a man of understanding. When the grain ripened, he came quickly with his sickle in his hand and reaped it. Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear."

(22) Jesus saw infants being suckled. He said to his disciples, "These infants being suckled are like those who enter the kingdom."
They said to him, "Shall we then, as children, enter the kingdom?"
Jesus said to them, "When you make the two one, and when you make the inside like the outside and the outside like the inside, and the above like the below, and when you make the male and the female one and the same, so that the male not be male nor the female female; and when you fashion eyes in the place of an eye, and a hand in place of a hand, and a foot in place of a foot, and a likeness in place of a likeness; then will you enter the kingdom."

(23) Jesus said, "I shall choose you, one out of a thousand, and two out of ten thousand, and they shall stand as a single one."

(24) His disciples said to him, "Show us the place where you are, since it is necessary for us to seek it."
He said to them, "Whoever has ears, let him hear. There is light within a man of light, and he lights up the whole world. If he does not shine, he is darkness."

(25) Jesus said, "Love your brother like your soul, guard him like the pupil of your eye."

(26) Jesus said, "You see the mote in your brother's eye, but you do not see the beam in your own eye. When you cast the beam out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to cast the mote from your brother's eye."

(27) "If you do not fast as regards the world, you will not find the kingdom. If you do not observe the Sabbath as a Sabbath, you will not see the father."

(28) Jesus said, "I took my place in the midst of the world, and I appeared to them in flesh. I found all of them intoxicated; I found none of them thirsty. And my soul became afflicted for the sons of men, because they are blind in their hearts and do not have sight; for empty they came into the world, and empty too they seek to leave the world. But for the moment they are intoxicated. When they shake off their wine, then they will repent."

(29) Jesus said, "If the flesh came into being because of spirit, it is a wonder. But if spirit came into being because of the body, it is a wonder of wonders. Indeed, I am amazed at how this great wealth has made its home in this poverty."

(30) Jesus said, "Where there are three gods, they are gods. Where there are two or one, I am with him."

(31) Jesus said, "No prophet is accepted in his own village; no physician heals those who know him."

(32) Jesus said, "A city being built on a high mountain and fortified cannot fall, nor can it be hidden."

(33) Jesus said, "Preach from your housetops that which you will hear in your ear. For no one lights a lamp and puts it under a bushel, nor does he put it in a hidden place, but rather he sets it on a lampstand so that everyone who enters and leaves will see its light."

(34) Jesus said, "If a blind man leads a blind man, they will both fall into a pit."

(35) Jesus said, "It is not possible for anyone to enter the house of a strong man and take it by force unless he binds his hands; then he will (be able to) ransack his house."

(36) Jesus said, "Do not be concerned from morning until evening and from evening until morning about what you will wear."

(37) His disciples said, "When will you become revealed to us and when shall we see you?"
Jesus said, "When you disrobe without being ashamed and take up your garments and place them under your feet like little children and tread on them, then will you see the son of the living one, and you will not be afraid"

(38) Jesus said, "Many times have you desired to hear these words which I am saying to you, and you have no one else to hear them from. There will be days when you will look for me and will not find me."

(39) Jesus said, "The pharisees and the scribes have taken the keys of knowledge (gnosis) and hidden them. They themselves have not entered, nor have they allowed to enter those who wish to. You, however, be as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves."

(40) Jesus said, "A grapevine has been planted outside of the father, but being unsound, it will be pulled up by its roots and destroyed."

(41) Jesus said, "Whoever has something in his hand will receive more, and whoever has nothing will be deprived of even the little he has."

(42) Jesus said, "Become passers-by."

(43) His disciples said to him, "Who are you, that you should say these things to us?"
"You do not realize who I am from what I say to you, but you have become like the Jews, for they (either) love the tree and hate its fruit (or) love the fruit and hate the tree."

(44) Jesus said, "Whoever blasphemes against the father will be forgiven, and whoever blasphemes against the son will be forgiven, but whoever blasphemes against the holy spirit will not be forgiven either on earth or in heaven."

(45) Jesus said, "Grapes are not harvested from thorns, nor are figs gathered from thistles, for they do not produce fruit. A good man brings forth good from his storehouse; an evil man brings forth evil things from his evil storehouse, which is in his heart, and says evil things. For out of the abundance of the heart he brings forth evil things."

(46) Jesus said, "Among those born of women, from Adam until John the Baptist, there is no one so superior to John the Baptist that his eyes should not be lowered (before him). Yet I have said, whichever one of you comes to be a child will be acquainted with the kingdom and will become superior to John."

(47) Jesus said, "It is impossible for a man to mount two horses or to stretch two bows. And it is impossible for a servant to serve two masters; otherwise, he will honor the one and treat the other contemptuously. No man drinks old wine and immediately desires to drink new wine. And new wine is not put into old wineskins, lest they burst; nor is old wine put into a new wineskin, lest it spoil it. An old patch is not sewn onto a new garment, because a tear would result."

(48) Jesus said, "If two make peace with each other in this one house, they will say to the mountain, 'Move Away,' and it will move away."

(49) Jesus said, "Blessed are the solitary and elect, for you will find the kingdom. For you are from it, and to it you will return."

(50) Jesus said, "If they say to you, 'Where did you come from?', say to them, 'We came from the light, the place where the light came into being on its own accord and established itself and became manifest through their image.' If they say to you, 'Is it you?', say, 'We are its children, we are the elect of the living father.' If they ask you, 'What is the sign of your father in you?', say to them, 'It is movement and repose.'"

(51) His disciples said to him, "When will the repose of the dead come about, and when will the new world come?"
He said to them, "What you look forward to has already come, but you do not recognize it."

(52) His disciples said to him, "Twenty-four prophets spoke in Israel, and all of them spoke in you."
He said to them, "You have omitted the one living in your presence and have spoken (only) of the dead."

(53) His disciples said to him, "Is circumcision beneficial or not?"
He said to them, "If it were beneficial, their father would beget them already circumcised from their mother. Rather, the true circumcision in spirit has become completely profitable."

(54) Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor, for yours is the kingdom of heaven."

(55) Jesus said, "Whoever does not hate his father and his mother cannot become a disciple to me. And whoever does not hate his brothers and sisters and take up his cross in my way will not be worthy of me."

(56) Jesus said, "Whoever has come to understand the world has found (only) a corpse, and whoever has found a corpse is superior to the world."

(57) Jesus said, "The kingdom of the father is like a man who had good seed. His enemy came by night and sowed weeds among the good seed. The man did not allow them to pull up the weeds; he said to them, 'I am afraid that you will go intending to pull up the weeds and pull up the wheat along with them.' For on the day of the harvest the weeds will be plainly visible, and they will be pulled up and burned."

(58) Jesus said, "Blessed is the man who has suffered and found life."

(59) Jesus said, "Take heed of the living one while you are alive, lest you die and seek to see him and be unable to do so."

(60) a Samaritan carrying a lamb on his way to Judea. He said to his disciples, "That man is round about the lamb."
They said to him, "So that he may kill it and eat it."
He said to them, "While it is alive, he will not eat it, but only when he has killed it and it has become a corpse."
They said to him, "He cannot do so otherwise."
He said to them, "You too, look for a place for yourself within repose, lest you become a corpse and be eaten."

(61) Jesus said, "Two will rest on a bed: the one will die, and the other will live."
Salome said, "Who are you, man, that you ... have come up on my couch and eaten from my table?"
Jesus said to her, "I am he who exists from the undivided. I was given some of the things of my father."
<...> "I am your disciple."
<...> "Therefore I say, if he is destroyed, he will be filled with light, but if he is divided, he will be filled with darkness."

(62) Jesus said, "It is to those who are worthy of my mysteries that I tell my mysteries. Do not let your left (hand) know what your right (hand) is doing."

(63) Jesus said, "There was a rich man who had much money. He said, 'I shall put my money to use so that I may sow, reap, plant, and fill my storehouse with produce, with the result that I shall lack nothing.' Such were his intentions, but that same night he died. Let him who has ears hear."

(64) Jesus said, "A man had received visitors. And when he had prepared the dinner, he sent his servant to invite the guests.
He went to the first one and said to him, 'My master invites you.' He said, 'I have claims against some merchants. They are coming to me this evening. I must go and give them my orders. I ask to be excused from the dinner.'
He went to another and said to him, 'My master has invited you.' He said to him, 'I have just bought a house and am required for the day. I shall not have any spare time.'
He went to another and said to him, 'My master invites you.' He said to him, 'My friend is going to get married, and I am to prepare the banquet. I shall not be able to come. I ask to be excused from the dinner.'
He went to another and said to him, 'My master invites you.' He said to him, 'I have just bought a farm, and I am on my way to collect the rent. I shall not be able to come. I ask to be excused.'
The servant returned and said to his master, 'Those whom you invited to the dinner have asked to be excused.' The master said to his servant, 'Go outside to the streets and bring back those whom you happen to meet, so that they may dine.' Businessmen and merchants will not enter the places of my father."

(65) He said, "There was a good man who owned a vineyard. He leased it to tenant farmers so that they might work it and he might collect the produce from them. He sent his servant so that the tenants might give him the produce of the vineyard. They seized his servant and beat him, all but killing him. The servant went back and told his master. The master said, 'Perhaps he did not recognize them.' He sent another servant. The tenants beat this one as well. Then the owner sent his son and said, 'Perhaps they will show respect to my son.' Because the tenants knew that it was he who was the heir to the vineyard, they seized him and killed him. Let him who has ears hear."

(66) Jesus said, "Show me the stone which the builders have rejected. That one is the cornerstone."

(67) Jesus said, "If one who knows the all still feels a personal deficiency, he is completely deficient."

(68) Jesus said, "Blessed are you when you are hated and persecuted. Wherever you have been persecuted they will find no place."

(69) Jesus said, "Blessed are they who have been persecuted within themselves. It is they who have truly come to know the father. Blessed are the hungry, for the belly of him who desires will be filled."

(70) Jesus said, "That which you have will save you if you bring it forth from yourselves. That which you do not have within you will kill you if you do not have it within you."

(71) Jesus said, "I shall destroy this house, and no one will be able to build it [...]."

(72) A man said to him, "Tell my brothers to divide my father's possessions with me."
He said to him, "O man, who has made me a divider?"
He turned to his disciples and said to them, "I am not a divider, am I?"

(73) Jesus said, "The harvest is great but the labourers are few. Beseech the Lord, therefore, to send out labourers to the harvest."

(74) He said, "O Lord, there are many around the drinking trough, but there is nothing in the cistern."

(75) Jesus said, "Many are standing at the door, but it is the solitary who will enter the bridal chamber."

(76) Jesus said, "The kingdom of the father is like a merchant who had a consignment of merchandise and who discovered a pearl. That merchant was shrewd. He sold the merchandise and bought the pearl alone for himself. You too, seek his unfailing and enduring treasure where no moth comes near to devour and no worm destroys."

(77) Jesus said, "It is I who am the light which is above them all. It is I who am the all. From me did the all come forth, and unto me did the all extend. Split a piece of wood, and I am there. Lift up the stone, and you will find me there."

(78) Jesus said, "Why have you come out into the desert? To see a reed shaken by the wind? And to see a man clothed in fine garments like your kings and your great men? Upon them are the fine garments, and they are unable to discern the truth."

(79) A woman from the crowd said to him, "Blessed are the womb which bore you and the breasts which nourished you."
He said to her, "Blessed are those who have heard the word of the father and have truly kept it. For there will be days when you will say, 'Blessed are the womb which has not conceived and the breasts which have not given milk.'"

(80) Jesus said, "He who has recognized the world has found the body, but he who has found the body is superior to the world."

(81) Jesus said, "Let him who has grown rich be king, and let him who possesses power renounce it."

(82) Jesus said, "He who is near me is near the fire, and he who is far from me is far from the kingdom."

(83) Jesus said, "The images are manifest to man, but the light in them remains concealed in the image of the light of the father. He will become manifest, but his image will remain concealed by his light."

(84) Jesus said, "When you see your likeness, you rejoice. But when you see your images which came into being before you, and which neither die not become manifest, how much you will have to bear!"

(85) Jesus said, "Adam came into being from a great power and a great wealth, but he did not become worthy of you. For had he been worthy, he would not have experienced death."

(86) Jesus said, "The foxes have their holes and the birds have their nests, but the son of man has no place to lay his head and rest."

(87) Jesus said, "Wretched is the body that is dependent upon a body, and wretched is the soul that is dependent on these two."

(88) Jesus said, "The angels and the prophets will come to you and give to you those things you (already) have. And you too, give them those things which you have, and say to yourselves, 'When will they come and take what is theirs?'"

(89) Jesus said, "Why do you wash the outside of the cup? Do you not realize that he who made the inside is the same one who made the outside?"

(90) Jesus said, "Come unto me, for my yoke is easy and my lordship is mild, and you will find repose for yourselves."

(91) They said to him, "Tell us who you are so that we may believe in you."
He said to them, "You read the face of the sky and of the earth, but you have not recognized the one who is before you, and you do not know how to read this moment."

(92) Jesus said, "Seek and you will find. Yet, what you asked me about in former times and which I did not tell you then, now I do desire to tell, but you do not inquire after it."

(93) "Do not give what is holy to dogs, lest they throw them on the dung-heap. Do not throw the pearls to swine, lest they [...] it [...]."

(94) Jesus said, "He who seeks will find, and he who knocks will be let in."

(95) Jesus said, "If you have money, do not lend it at interest, but give it to one from whom you will not get it back."

(96) Jesus said, "The kingdom of the father is like a certain woman. She took a little leaven, concealed it in some dough, and made it into large loaves. Let him who has ears hear."

(97) Jesus said, "The kingdom of the father is like a certain woman who was carrying a jar full of meal. While she was walking on the road, still some distance from home, the handle of the jar broke and the meal emptied out behind her on the road. She did not realize it; she had noticed no accident. When she reached her house, she set the jar down and found it empty."

(98) Jesus said, "The kingdom of the father is like a certain man who wanted to kill a powerful man. In his own house he drew his sword and stuck it into the wall in order to find out whether his hand could carry through. Then he slew the powerful man."

(99) The disciples said to him, "Your brothers and your mother are standing outside."
He said to them, "Those here who do the will of my father are my brothers and my mother. It is they who will enter the kingdom of my father."

(100) They showed Jesus a gold coin and said to him, "Caesar's men demand taxes from us."
He said to them, "Give Caesar what belongs to Caesar, give God what belongs to God, and give me what is mine."

(101) "Whoever does not hate his father and his mother as I do cannot become a disciple to me. And whoever does not love his father and his mother as I do cannot become a disciple to me. For my mother [...], but my true mother gave me life."

(102) Jesus said, "Woe to the pharisees, for they are like a dog sleeping in the manger of oxen, for neither does he eat nor does he let the oxen eat."

(103) Jesus said, "Fortunate is the man who knows where the brigands will enter, so that he may get up, muster his domain, and arm himself before they invade."

(104) They said to Jesus, "Come, let us pray today and let us fast."
Jesus said, "What is the sin that I have committed, or wherein have I been defeated? But when the bridegroom leaves the bridal chamber, then let them fast and pray."

(105) Jesus said, "He who knows the father and the mother will be called the son of a harlot."

(106) Jesus said, "When you make the two one, you will become the sons of man, and when you say, 'Mountain, move away,' it will move away."

(107) Jesus said, "The kingdom is like a shepherd who had a hundred sheep. One of them, the largest, went astray. He left the ninety-nine sheep and looked for that one until he found it. When he had gone to such trouble, he said to the sheep, 'I care for you more than the ninety-nine.'"

(108) Jesus said, "He who will drink from my mouth will become like me. I myself shall become he, and the things that are hidden will be revealed to him."

(109) Jesus said, "The kingdom is like a man who had a hidden treasure in his field without knowing it. And after he died, he left it to his son. The son did not know (about the treasure). He inherited the field and sold it. And the one who bought it went plowing and found the treasure. He began to lend money at interest to whomever he wished."

(110) Jesus said, "Whoever finds the world and becomes rich, let him renounce the world."

(111) Jesus said, "The heavens and the earth will be rolled up in your presence. And the one who lives from the living one will not see death." Does not Jesus say, "Whoever finds himself is superior to the world?"

(112) Jesus said, "Woe to the flesh that depends on the soul; woe to the soul that depends on the flesh."

(113) His disciples said to him, "When will the kingdom come?"
"It will not come by waiting for it. It will not be a matter of saying 'here it is' or 'there it is.' Rather, the kingdom of the father is spread out upon the earth, and men do not see it."

(114) Simon Peter said to him, "Let Mary leave us, for women are not worthy of life."
Jesus said, "I myself shall lead her in order to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every woman who will make herself male will enter the kingdom of heaven."