Some years ago I wrote a blog post, imaginatively entitled “The Horse's Penis”. The story wasn't really about a horse's penis, although it had a horse's penis in it.
It was about childhood, and the early signs of alcoholism.
It wasn't even a very good bit of writing, if the truth be told. The dialogue was awful, and the storyline was abysmal, even though it happened to be true. True stories are often like that; they don't go anywhere, really. They don't really start and they don't really end. Because life is like that. It's like trying to cram a bunch of random and unconnected happenings into a tiny box that isn't even there.
Well, stone me if it didn't turn out to be the most popular blog post I've ever written. I mean, this thing gets more hits than a heroin addict's collapsed groin. Every day, twenty or thirty people from dark places all over the world land on it, mostly by searching on Google for “horse penis”.
They don't stay long.
After a while I began to wonder... is the equine member some sort of delicacy that I haven't heard about? Something in the way of an appetiser in foreign hotels? Maybe it has an esoteric use in various religious rituals with which I am unfamiliar, or is a vital ingredient in certain exotic hairstyles or making bitumen.
So this morning I decided I'd find out, and put my mind at rest once and for all. I typed the magic words into the Google search bar and guess what came up?
Well, a whole lot of pictures of horse penises. I mean, loads of them. I admit, I'm no expert, but they all looked pretty much the same to me. Outlandishly big and, well, penisy.
So really, I'm just writing this to the people who accidentally land on my blog in their obsessive quest for the ultimate picture of an equestrian penis. We've all got our quirks, but hey.
What the hell is wrong with you?